Physical Education At Its Finest
by DeathZiggurat
Summary: A new threat has struck the Hogwarts campus... FAT! Feeling the students from their increasingly gluttonous ways, Dumbledore appoints an unwilling Severus Snape to the task of PE instructor so that the 'horizontically endowed' youth might be saved
1. The Overwhelming Fatness

It's been a while since I've written a fic. It's about damn time! So, I hope you enjoy it, because I enjoyed thinking it up. I am sure it will at least somewhat amuse you, if anything. And now for my advice of the day: If you run with scissors, make sure they're really sharp. If they're safety scissors, the dull end will only hurt more as it plunges through your flesh. Now on with the fic!!!

Dumbledore sat at the head table gazing out at the student body. The sorting hat had finished its rhyming mumbo jumbo, and now everyone was sitting at their seats eating heartily. The old man looked out fondly at some of the older students, remembering how they had grown over the years. There in the corner was Hermione Granger having food chucked at her by the younger students. She certainly had filled out a bit since her days as a first year. And there towards the middle sat Cho Chang talking amongst her friends. For some reason he had remembered her cheeks being a little less pudgy last year. The head master shook it off and continued to peer about the room. Draco sat with his fat as ever lackeys as they chastised a first year and beat the child with paddles. That's when Dumbledore realized it: even Draco, the usually tall, slender one… now had a double chin!!! The headmaster's eyes darted frantically to Ronald Weasley. Was that a beer gut he was hiding underneath those robes?! Dumbledore couldn't believe his eyes. All of the children had more than plumped out over the years at Hogwarts. What could have possibly done this? Dumbledore frantically scanned the room for one boy, the golden child. If anyone was still in shape, it had to be Harry. There was no conceivable way that the savior of flippin Britain could have let himself go to waste… And then he saw him…

There at the middle of the Gryffindor table sat Harry, but not as the headmaster remembered. It was almost as though the Potter child had exploded over night! He took up at least 4 feet of the bench, if not more, just to rest his fat ass. His once brilliant green eyes were barely visible amongst the fatty slabs of skin on his face. And, my word, Dumbledore had never counted so many chins on one person in his entire life! Well, that did it. The old man then knew it was time for drastic measures. He looked over his staff, deciding which would be the best for the task which must now take place, and almost immediately his gaze locked on the frame of the ever greasy Severus Snape.

"Severus, may I have a word with you?" The head master beckoned. Snape sighed. He hadn't finished making faces out of the food on his plate. If Dumbledore could have called him just a tad bit later, he could have placed his carrots just so to make a rabbit with ears. Oh well, no rest for the wicked. His soon-to-be complete bunny would have to wait. The pale man perched himself next to the headmaster, waiting for the senile wreck to spout his words of old-fartdom.

"Severus, my old friend, do you see anything peculiar about our students?"

Snape scanned the crowd of juveniles, looking for something of relevant.

"Um," he continued to peer at them skeptically, "They all seem to wish death upon the Granger child, sir. Are you wishing that I put her out of her misery?"

"No, Severus!" Dumbledore chortled irritably. "I'm referring to something completely different."

"Oh…" Snape looked out at all the children yet again. "I'm afraid I'm unaware of what you are trying to point out."

"All of them," Dumbledore said, "Each and every one of them, have gotten-"

"Fat?" The potions master finished for him.

"Severus, please, try to be a little more sensitive. I prefer to think of them more as 'horizontally endowed'."

"… I'll be sure to make a mental note of that sir. So what is it you would like me to do about this large, 'horizontally endowed' problem?"

"Simple. We will need to introduce a new subject, one that has never been touched upon by the wizarding world before."

Snape stared at the headmaster apprehensively, waiting for the itching topic to be addressed. And then, after a long pause, Dumbledore stood up at the head table. The room fell hush as everyone waited for him to speak, not all together sure what he was about to say.

"Before we commence our evening feast, there is an issue I feel should be addressed. A horrible circumstance has recently presented itself to me and for this we must find a cure."

The Gryffindors immediately knew what this must be about, and scowled at the Slytherins. The green clad bastards must all be in league with the Death Eaters afterall, and Dumbledore was finally ready to crack down on them. It was about time, they all thought.

The Slytherins had their own ideas, though. Obviously, the headmaster had finally realized the wretchedness of the Granger child and had come to the sensible conclusion of doing away with her. Taken long enough.

The Ravenclaws, using their amazing intelligence, concluded that Dumbledore had stumbled across the secret portal to an alternate realm outside humanly-known earth, located at 3.75 degrees over a 476 angled position of Mercury, divided by pi, and square rooted by the cubed diversion of Pythagorean Theory. And here they thought it was a secret. Oh well, being that old, Dumbledore was bound to know something.

As for the Hufflepuffs, they were so ridiculously average that they couldn't even come up with their own conclusion. So they sat, watched as the smart one of their group picked his nose, and waited.

Dumbledore, feeling he had grabbed everyone's attention, continued his speech. "The problem I speak of is not one ever considered by our kind. However it is a danger beyond dangers….." A pause, absolute silence, followed by: "Fat. Fat is the problem." Everyone looked at him strangely, mind boggled by this anomaly. "Since you were young, and as you all grew taller, you also grew doubly wider. Therefore, I have come to a conclusion. From now on you all will be enrolled in PE- Physical Education. This is a mandatory class, no exceptions."

A random legless Hufflepuff frowned sadly.

"As for your instructor," Dumbledore went on, "I have appointed Professor Snape to the task. May he bestow his wisdom upon you all."

Severus Snape gawked at the old man skeptically. "Me? Why me? Why not that chick in charge of teaching everyone to fly on broomsticks who the author can't remember the name of? She actually likes it in the sun, not me!"

"Oh you mean that woman? She died."

"No she didn't."

"Yes, Severus, yes she did."

"Are you sure? I just passed her in the hall ten minutes ago."

"Shut up, Severus. She did. She's dead."

"Oh… okay… But that still doesn't explain why you want me."

"Severus, we all know that you are the best choice. You are the thinnest younger member of the staff. Really, since 7th year you haven't gained a pound."

Snape felt this was not the best time to mention his anorexic phase after Barbie broke up with Ken, or his no-food protests for Raffi to be knighted. Such shameful events were not needed to be dwelled upon. The grease ball quickly thought of how he could possibly get out of this mess.

"But sir, wouldn't teaching a Physical Education class to all grade levels interfere with my Potions classes?" He had him now. There was no way Dumbledore could get around that.

However, somehow the old coot had. "Why Severus, don't worry about that. I already thought it through. I'm handing your Potions classes over to Filch. I'm sure he'll do a lovely job."

"FILCH?!" Snape choked. "Filch can't even figure out how to eat pie! How could he possibly teach MY classes?!"

"Nonsense! I'm sure Filch will do a splendid job," Dumbledore said confidently as he watched as Filch attempted to shove pie up his nose.

Snape growled in defeat. Now he was stuck in the worst job ever.

The students weren't much happier. Harry began to pound sympathy cakes into his mouth as he agonized over the thought of the PE class. It now took him more than enough effort to lift his food to his mouth, much less actually try to work it off. Draco and his goons scowled miserably. Yet again the Granger beast had survived yet another day. On the whole, just about everyone at Hogwarts was feeling miserable. And, from the looks of things, it all would be getting much worse.


	2. Voldemorts New House

Sorry about taking so long to get chapter two up. I've been getting ready for the anime expo in Long Beach and have kinda lacked time to write. Oh well. One more week! But, of course, Harry Potter stuff has nothing to do with that, so allow me to continue on to chapter two.

Though Hogwarts was now in a dreary state, there were others outside the campus feeling similar strife. None other than the Dark Lord himself sat huddled in his home, feeling nothing but completely devastated. Wormtail hovered about him, attempting to sooth his aggravated master.

"But, my lord, surely if we kill them all you will be left in peace to plot and think your very nice evil thoughts. Not all is lost."

"Don't be foolish, Wormtail," Voldemort bellowed, "Those bloody muggles are more than content in tearing my house down, and whenever I send a loyal follower to deal with them, their Avada Kadavra simply bounces off those confounded hard hats. I've lost too many followers that way. And still I have not found a way out of this infernal conundrum."

Indeed, whilst You-Know-Who had been scheming against all that opposed him in his attempts to take over the world, the Muggle Renovations Office had been busily planning a new freeway that ran directly through the Riddle Manor. Squads of construction workers popped up at the site daily with their wrecking cranes and bulldozers, waiting to take out the Evil-One's estate. This upset the Dark Lord something fierce. How could he possibly wreak havoc upon the wizarding world while Muggles worked on tearing his house down? Something had to be done, but what?

"Well," Wormtail said hesitantly, "You could try taking them out the muggle way. You know, using a knife or some other sharp object…"

"No!" Lord Voldemort snapped. "I will not use **their** methods, even if it's the most effective."

"Um… I think their most effective would be more along the lines of a gun, or a land mine, or something to that effect," Wormtail blathered stupidly as Voldemort glared at him.

"Quiet yourself Wormtail," He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named barked. "There's only one option left. We must move from this place to somewhere less tread upon… but carrying the same ominous feeling. We leave immediately!"

Relocation went fairly smoothly. After contemplating carefully over two possible options for moving, Voldemort finally decided Mickey Mouse's Castle at Disneyland just wasn't ominous enough, so, that evening, all of the most important possessions of the Riddle House were moved in front of Saint Brunehelga's Nunery. Once he kicked out all of its pious inhabitants, Lord Voldemort would once again have a fear striking home from which he could wreak havoc as he always did. And with this he was pleased.

The next morning at Hogwarts, the students grunted and groaned as they trudged down the grand staircase towards the Great Hall. At least they would have a scrumptious meal before starting the horridness known as exercising. Yet, that morning was one to be filled with fright beyond frightfulness.

"Vegetables?!" Ron shrieked in terror. The once voluptuous meals of bacon, ham, fried fat, sugary tarts, buttermilk biscuits smothered in jam and teeth rotting pumpkin juice had been replaced with mashed celery roots, broccoli sprouts, and a side of steamed mushrooms to go along with their celery juice. The deliciousness of Hogwarts had disappeared overnight, replaced with cold, bitter health foods.

The Gryffindors looked at the feast in disgust, knowing that they would surely die from starvation within the hour if they could not find decent junk food in time. However, some of the other houses had found a way around Dumbledore's new procedures. The Ravenclaws quickly began to build a large contraption with their pristine calculations that could conjure a box of doughnuts to free them from this mess. At the Hufflepuff table, the students had resorted to gnawing at the table and benches, trying to find any remnants of unhealthiness from the evenings past. As for the Slytherins, Harry could have sworn he saw Draco Malfoy procuring a heavily frosted cup cake from the crease between his two newly formed chins. What a crafty devil.

Unfortunately, Dumbledore was quick to pick up on the students' antics and was far from ready to stand for it.

"All of you!" His voice carried angrily throughout the Great Hall, "STOP what you are doing!"

The Gryffindors stopped scoffing, the Ravenclaws stopped crafting, the Hufflepuffs stopped licking and chewing their table, and the Slytherins stopped pulling hidden treats from various bodily orifices.

Dumbledore gave the room the 'evil eye' before he continued. "I will NOT have you overriding my authority. Due to your lack of willingness to follow our new procedures, breakfast will be skipped and class will begin early! Starting with the grade Harry is right now in years, they will start with their Physical Education. The rest of you report to your first periods!"

The meal of roughage disappeared immediately – the Hufflepuff table disappeared, too, seeing as how its students were more than persistent – and Harry and the rest of his year reported to the Quidditch field for the horribleness to begin. All knew that a new terror was bound to follow.


	3. An Inhumane PE Lesson

To think, I have not touched this story since 2008. 4 years! In the last two months I randomly got these messages saying people had added it to their "Story Follower"-thingy on fanfiction, so I thought, "what the hell, I suppose I could write another chapter." The tone and writing style might be a bit different now since so much time has passed, but hopefully it turns out well. Please enjoy it! Oh! And something I did in the first chapter I didn't do in the second… DeathZiggurats' advice for the day: If someone close to you ever comes down with amnesia, remind them they owe you $100. New Xbox games don't buy themselves.

Physical Education At Its Finest: Chapter 3! (After 4 years FINALLY)

The whole of Hogwarts year π students waddled their way towards the Quidditch field. [Year π is somewhere between year 4 and 7, but definitely not 5 or 6]. Harry gazed up at the Quidditch towers and sighed. He remembered the days he used to soar around them on his Nimbus 2000, searching for the golden snitch. Unfortunately because of how much weight everyone had gained, the game had been modified somewhat. No broom currently made could lift the average Hogwarts student way up into the air, and could merely hover them four feet off the ground. The hoops for the quaffles to pass through were now at ground level and the golden snitch had been replaced with a flying cupcake in hopes of motivating the Seeker to chase it. Harry could feel his mouth water as he thought of that beautiful, dazzling cupcake as it majestically wafted through the air. His daydream was quickly interrupted with the arrival of Severus Snape, the new PE instructor.

Snape stood in front of the group of chubby children, frowning at each and every one of them. "Do you know why you are all here?" He growled at them.

Hermione raised her hand with the usual eagerness she always had when it came to being smarter than other people. "Because we have feasts for every meal and have no physical requirements in our curriculum?"

"Very good, Miss Granger. 10 points from Gryffindor."

"What?!" Ron yelped. "But she answered your question right!"

Snape shrugged. "Yes, but her sausage-like fingers vex me." He then continued. "The headmaster has chosen me to be your new physical education instructor because I alone at Hogwarts seem to be able to stay within my weight range." A Ravenclaw with a hand crafted weight-detector device shook his head. "According to my calculations," the nosey Ravenclaw said, "It would appear you're actually 24 pounds under your weight range, and have less than average muscle mass."

"Don't judge me!" Snape barked, "Tyra Banks would think I'm beautiful!" Quickly gaining his composure with, "That'll be another 20 points from Gryffindor," he went back to addressing the class. "Obviously your meals have been altered, so that alone should improve you. Along with this I have planned an exercise routine that should melt the pounds off of you like butter in the presence of Sean Connery's voice. I will need Miss Granger to take 50 paces north of the rest of the class."

Hermione looked hesitantly around the group before doing as instructed. Once she was a distance away, Snape began to dispense cricket bats amongst the rest of the students. "Now that she has a fair head start," Snape drawled idly, "You may all do as you will."

The Slytherins in the group shared victorious smiles. Finally their day had come! With Draco leading the charge, the Slytherins ran at Hermione with a vigor that no one would have expected from some portly individuals.

The Gryffindors, being courageous (yet somehow unconcerned about the terrified Hermione being chased by armed Slytherins), took to challenging each other in Gladiator-like battles for the period.

The Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff groups, on the other hand, seemed uninterested in physical activity. The Ravenclaws had started to measure the cricket bats, writing down their dimensions in hopes of using them for future experiments. As for Hufflepuff, after chewing on the tables at the Great Hall they had developed a strange liking to wood, and now sat around chewing their bats. As for Severus Snape, he found he could care less what the students did. With the one nosey Ravenclaw mentioning his weight, it made him think back to his school days, days where he would spend his time away from studying looking through fashion magazines and dreaming of a future where he too could strut down a runway in a bikini made out of anchovies. "One day, Severus," he said to himself. "One day…"

Away from Hogwarts and its inhumane PE lesson, Voldemort leisurely strolled through the hallways of his new Nunnery. Already he and his minions had learned the value of blending in, and had quickly put the left over nun-robes to use. Voldemort found that he enjoyed the loose shapelessness of his new garments and the headpiece that went with it was simply superb. He began to wonder why he had never thought to make his Death Eaters and himself wear these in the first place. His Death Eaters, however, were not as taken with their new apparel. Bellatrix Lestrange sat in a corner trying to figure out how to wear this thing and still look busty, Wormtail simply looked silly, and the rest of them found that they missed to billowiness of their old robes. When they used to fly through the night sky on their brooms with their robes catching the wind behind them they looked awesome! Nuns on broomsticks do not have the same effect. And when it came to Lucius Malfoy, he had it the worst of all. They were one short on nun outfits, leaving Malfoy without. Lucius had insisted he was fine with it, but Voldemort insisted everyone should match. He sent Wormtail to pick up and extra. When Wormtail returned he presented You-Know-Who with what he had bought.

"This was all I could find," Wormtail muttered, handing a clear plastic package to Voldemort. Voldemort looked at the large label on the front with the tagline "Halloween Times" and sported a picture of a woman in a tiny, tight-fitting nun costume and showing much leg. Not seeing a difference between this and the nun gear the rest of them were wearing (the black and white color scheme was right, after all), he handed the package over to Lucius. Lucius' eyes widened with terror.

"M-My Lord," he sputtered, "Are you not sure you would rather have Bellatrix wear this? Or my wife, or, or even Fenrir Greyback perhaps?" He looked up hopefully at the Dark Lord, sure that he would the see the point he was making. Sadly for Lucius, Voldemort rolled his eyes and snapped, "Oh shut up and put it on! We don't have time for your bitching."

Knowing that once He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named made a decision there was no use arguing it. Lucius Malfoy trudged off sadly to put on his sexy new outfit.

Voldemort stared out one of the convent windows, looking at the outside world. Soon, very soon it would all be his. "We must start scheming at once," Voldemort said, knowing his minions were all listening. "But first," he turned to face them with a foreign whimsical expression on his face. "I feel that we must sing about how the hills are alive with the sound of music!"

The Death Eaters quivered in fear. Much like the students at Hogwarts, they too knew that the darkest of days were upon them.


End file.
